“Now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.”
According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), suicide rates jumped 28% between 1999 and 2016. But for many of us, we don't need a statistic to tell us how bad the suicide epidemic is. We've lost friends or family to suicide or have had close experiences with someone we love struggling with thoughts of suicide.
When a loved one confides in us that they're struggling with suicidal ideation there are many emotional responses we could experience: shock, hurt, anger, sheer terror for our friend's life. The next response is likely to be, "How do I respond?" and "How can I help?" Suddenly, we feel like we're walking on eggshells with them and a single mistake can mean life or death.
Yes, they're clearly in a lot of pain. It may be easy to get wrapped up in a tizzy over "right" or "wrong" ways to interact with them. But one very important thing to keep in mind is this:
You're not responsible for others' decisions.
In the end, no matter how well you do or don't support your friend or loved one, it'll be up to them if they accept help, pursue mental health care, or ignore the lifelines and continue going to a dark place. It may feel like their life is in your hands, but it's not.
You're only responsible for doing the best you can with what emotional and practical resources you have. In the end, whatever happens is entirely between that person and God's sovereignty.
God is Present & Aware
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
Leaving things in God's hands may sound scary, but His creativity expands beyond what we can do and our ability to comprehend the whole picture (Psalm 147:5). He knows far better how to care for that person than we ever will, and He cares about them deeper than we ever can (Romans 8:37-39). He also knows everything that will ever happen across time and how your loved one's story fits into the fabric of everything (Proverbs 15:3; Matthew 10:31).
That said, of course we can and should support our loved ones who are struggling with these kinds of thoughts (1 Thessalonians 5:11). There are lots of ways you can love them through your words, actions, and presence. Here are some things you can do that are generally agreed upon by mental health professionals.
0. Understand how hard it was for them to tell you.
To admit you're suicidal to another person takes a lot of courage. Many suicidal individuals are already crushed under loads of shame for feeling suicidal in the first place. There's a heavy stigma in almost every culture that says, "You don't have it bad enough to think about ending your life." But life and death are not competitive sports.
One of the relational stigmas is a fear that voicing those thoughts will make others angry or that they'll be perceived as selfish or ungrateful. Others may have seriously deep and severe trauma that leaves them feeling alone and like their pain has no place to be understood or validated. For them to come to you shows great trust and that shouldn't be taken lightly.
1. Talk to your friend—and listen.
From brain chemistry to family history to stress to trauma and more, there are so many reasons for a person to find themselves in soup of suicidal thoughts. So it's important not to assume we know what they're going through.
Do your best not to be judgmental or angry. They're trusting and being vulnerable with you. Respond with love and compassion. Avoid phrases that invalidate their honest emotions and experiences like:
"Why would you want to die?"
"You have so many friends!"
"Suicide is really selfish."
"You really want to hurt everyone who loves you like that?"
Instead, listen to what their heart is saying. Hear them out when they speak of their pain. If they're struggling to find words, try asking questions like:
"How long have you felt like this?"
"Can you share the first time you started having thoughts of suicide?"
"Did something specific happen to trigger these feelings?"
"Do you have a plan to end your life?"
"I believe you. How can I support you?"
Asking open-ended questions and really listening to their responses is a meaningful way to show your support. Ask for specifics about what they might need. Be prepared that they might not be ready or able to answer any of those questions. If all they need is your presence, be willing to be present.
2. Evaluate Their Risk Level
There's a myth that by asking a suicidal person for details, you'll be planting ideas in their mind. But a their mind's already dabbling in those thoughts, so asking them about it isn't planting an idea. Rather, it's pulling an existing dark idea out into the light.
Ask them if they have a suicide plan already in place. Ask if there's a specific way they've been fantasizing about suicide. If they DO have a plan, then they're at a higher risk to follow-through and make an attempt. If they haven't thought about the details of carrying out a plan, then the risk is lower but not non-existent.
Keep an eye on your friend's behavioral patterns too. Are they starting to talk more and more about dying? Are they suddenly giving away their possessions? Are they lingering near objects or topics they could use to hurt themselves?
If you think your friend is a danger to themselves, stay with them if possible. Err on the side of caution: call 911 or call a crisis hotline. If you need to call a parent to help you drive them to the ER, do so.
3. Encourage Them to Get Help
As good as a friend as you can be, you're likely not in a place to offer professional advice for their specific situation. A professional will be better equipped to help your friend determine the root of their suicidality and how best to combat it. Remind your friend that there's no shame in getting help or looking into mental health medication.
If they argue with you on that, and they're a believer, you can remind them that God has claimed our bodies as temples for the Holy Spirit and He directs us to glorify Him with our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Part of glorifying God with our bodies is to take care of them. The brain is part of our body. If it's sick, then it's beneficial to seek healing for it.
4. Rally the Support Community
Your friend may ask you to keep their suicidality a secret. After all, like we've already mentioned, suicidality is a subject of deep shame for many people—and they've entrusted you with the information. But you cannot carry this burden by yourself. It's just too heavy.
Find a responsible adult whom you deeply trust to get advice and guidance from. Get their permission to contact them at any time—if you and your friend need help. This could be a parent, a pastor, a guidance counselor, or any other trusted adult in your life.
5. Love Them Unconditionally
“We urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
There are many different people who struggle with diverse issues, and each of these issues has its own biblical directive from the apostle Paul in how to love those people better. But one universal is that our care and love should be unconditional. They don't have to "get better" for you to continue loving them. They don't have to "perform" to make you happy—that's not how people heal.
Encourage your friend, help them, be patient with them. Remind them that they're not alone—even if they can't believe you in that moment or day or week or month. Remind both of you that they're in the hands of a loving God who sees each fracture of their broken heart.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
Suicide Prevention: Seek Help Now
Call 988 or text HOME to 741741 (US only)
988 Hotline (call, text, chat, deaf/HOH, y en espanol)
Find a Helpline (International)
National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE
National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE
The Trevor Project: 1-866-4-U-TREVOR