“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, and even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.”
To those who have a great relationship with their families, this teaching from Jesus may come as a huge and disappointing surprise. To those who struggle with difficult relatives, hearing that Jesus said to "hate" one's family may come as welcome news. But is that what He really meant? Did Jesus actually want us to despise our family?
A Short Lesson on Hyperbole
Among the many forms of figurative language is hyperbole. The word "hyperbole" comes from the Greek word that means "exaggeration." So hyperbole is just that—an exaggerated statement with a purpose. Here's an example:
Looking into his bride's sparkling blue eyes, Eric gushed, "I would abandon my friends and sell my family into slavery before betraying my deep love for you."
Both Eric and his bride understand he isn't being literal. The extremeness of Eric's statement shows he loves his bride more than his friends and family. But it's obvious that he would never actually sell them into slavery. He's just trying to convey his deep love for his new wife.
The Bible is clear that we should care for and value our families (1 Timothy 5:8), and the Bible doesn't contradict itself. So that's why it's important to understand what Jesus really meant when He said this.
What Jesus Really Meant
So if we told you now that Jesus was using hyperbole, would that help with understanding what He really meant? Jesus saying, "Anyone who comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters...cannot be my disciple," is an example of hyperbolic teachings.
Jesus often used hyperbole to drive home an important lesson—like when He said a person should "gouge out" their eye if it causes them to sin (Matthew 18:9). What He meant in Luke 14:26-27 was that our love for Him should exceed our love for anyone else, including our families.
Our commitment to Jesus should rank higher than our partners, parents, siblings, and even our children. Our love for Him should be so intense that our feelings for others should pale in comparison. Not that we should not love our families, but that we should love Jesus more.
Is this a difficult teaching? Sure, but as we grow in our knowledge of Jesus Christ, our love for Him will increase too. To know Him is to love Him, and to know Him more is to love Him more.
Loving Jesus Means Loving Others
“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.”
Jesus commanded us to love one another (John 13:34), so rather than hating our families (or anyone else), the Bible teaches:
Husbands should love their wives (Ephesians 5:25)
Wives should care for their families (Proverbs 31)
Parents should love their children (Ephesians 6:4; Psalm 127:3)
We all should love our enemies (Matthew 5:43-45)
We should treat everyone equally, without favoritism (James 2:9; Romans 2:11)
When Family Relationship are Broken
“If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.”
Obviously, if we're contending with broken or toxic relationships within the family, we can't reconcile that hurt or hatred based on a single Bible verse. God ordained the family and designed it to be good. It would be a far better world if everyone had parents, children, and extended family members who loved and respected them. But, sadly, that isn't always the case.
When families fall apart, societies crumble and civilizations come to ruin. Ask God for guidance in how to navigate those relationships, set healthy boundaries, and seek to forgive those who've hurt you—if only in your heart.
Don't be confused by Jesus' teaching here. Our love for Him should surpass all other love, but He would not have you hating your family. By loving your family (even if it has to be at a distance), you honor Him.