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How do I cope with the suicide of a friend or loved one?

Emotions Suicide

Discussions of Suicide, Mental Health Disorders, Depression

How do I cope with the suicide of a friend or loved one?
“Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”
— Hebrews 4:16 (NLT)

Dear friend, the loss you're feeling right now is indescribable. Losing a loved one is always hard, but losing them to the tragedy of suicide adds even extra levels of pain. You may be experiencing guilt, confusion, anger, or shock. You may be experiencing emotions that are entirely separate from what you expected. No matter the pain you are in, please know that you are not alone.

Jesus understands grief (Hebrews 4:15-16). He became human (Philippians 2:5-8), and in that humanity He experienced all the pain, grief, and loss that you are going through now. This is the same Jesus who's already listening to the cries of your heart, your confusion, your anger—and Who seeks to comfort you (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Common Responses to a Suicide

"Was it my fault?"

There's an unfortunate trend in media that has been using shame to raise awareness for the suicide epidemic, largely spurred on by the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why. This is a horrible way to raise awareness, as it puts the responsibility entirely on the survivors of a suicide to have prevented the death.

But your loved one's decision was their decision—and theirs alone.

Maybe you did all the things you're "supposed" to do by checking in on them, asking them directly about their mental state, listening to their heartache, encouraging them to seek counseling—maybe you even took them to counseling—and they still made the decision to end their life. Their decision is NOT your fault. You are in no way responsible for their decision—no matter how much you did or did not do.

"But they seemed so happy."

For many of us, it is difficult to distinguish between a suicidal person and a sad person. Many people go through seasons of depression, and not all depression leads to suicidal thoughts.

One of the very real but unspoken signs of impending suicide is the person's sudden improvement in mood when they decide to end their life. When that happens, it can be very confusing trying to understand the true path of a friend's heart. We may never learn what thought process led to their death.

Part of grieving a loss is finding a way to come to terms with unanswered questions. No one can ever understand another person's heart 100%, and it’s possible that you won't find the complete closure you're so desperate to feel right now.

"What am I supposed to do now?"

The death of a loved one always shifts the dynamic of your life. It's true that nothing will ever be the same. Losing that loved one to suicide has the added difficulty of stigmatized discussion and feelings of isolation. All of these feelings can lead you down your own path of despair, hopelessness, and loneliness.

Maybe you feel like nothing will ever good again. Maybe the loss was your dear friend you interacted with every day. Maybe the loss was someone you didn't know well, but they deeply influenced and changed your life in beautiful ways. Your grief is a valid part of your human experience regardless of your relationship to them. The change in how life will look now is going to be hard, and that pain is also valid to acknowledge.

Grieve Together—Not Alone

““Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.””
— Psalm 23:4

There're some very strong stigmas attached to discussing suicide and suicidal awareness. It's kind of morbid and bleak, and it’s natural to want to avoid thinking about it. God is with you every moment through this process, and you can lay your sorrows upon Him (1 Peter 5:7; Psalm 147:3). But it's important not to hold it all in by yourself. God has put people in within your reach to help walk with you in the coming days, weeks, and months.

Each person grieves differently, and you don't need to explain it to anyone you don't want to or aren't ready. But it's still important to have trusted people in your life to offer support when you need it. Maybe they're mutual friends with the person who has died. Maybe your trusted people are your parents, grandparents, a teacher, or a pastor.

Your trusted circle should respect when you need silence, yet check on you to make sure you're OK. They shouldn't pressure you into doing things you're not comfortable with, but they will gently encourage you with light and kindness. Our friends should rejoice with us just as quickly as they should cry with us (Romans 12:15).

If you don't have trusted people in your life, then seek out a good counselor. Even if you don't want to talk to those close to you, you do need support and love to get through this. A good counselor will partner with you in your grief and help equip you with ways to process and cope with your feelings in a healthy way.

Saying "no" is OK. Protect your peace.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
— 1 Peter 6:7 (NLT)

You'll likely experience emotional triggers that remind you of your lost one both in expected and unexpected ways. You may start crying when you walk into the store you worked at with them. Or perhaps they loved turtles, and you can't watch Finding Nemo anymore.

Trauma and grief affect us all in deeply personal but diverse ways. And no matter the triggers, know that there is no shame in saying "no" to situations, events, and circumstances you know won't be healthy for your grieving process.

Be patient with yourself. Healing takes time.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
— Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

Grief doesn't follow a single uphill line of progress. You'll have good days, and you'll have bad days. It often comes in waves. There's no timeline or expectation for "getting over it." You may never be completely "over it," and that's just kind of how grief is. But each day you wake up and move forward to the next day is a step in the right direction (Ecclesiastes 3:1-17).

Keep taking those steps. Healing takes time. If you're discouraged over how long it feels you've beens stuck, then ask one of your inner circle people or counselor about how far you've come. They'll likely have a more accurate and encouraging picture of your progress.

You're allowed to feel joy again.

“A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.”
— Ecclesiastes 3:4 (NLT)

When we're grieving, sometimes it's frustrating to see that the world goes on. Don't they know that existence is that much less brighter without your loved one?

It may not feel like it today, but eventually you'll find that you can miss your loved one and also continue living. You're not betraying their memory by moving past the deepest grief. This doesn’t mean you never cared, that you didn't truly love them, or that you're forgetting about them. Not at all.

It’s OK for you to have fun with friends. It’s OK to laugh again. It’s OK to go on adventures, make new friends, shop at that store again, and find whatever path God is leading you to. It is OK for you to live again.

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
— Psalm 34:17-18
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