“My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
When I became a Christian, I found myself struggling with finding my Christian identity. What does it mean to be a Christian anyway? If we were made so uniquely, then why does society tell us we're supposed to be like everybody else?
Those questions were lain on my heart after I wrote my last poem, "You are a Masterpiece in the Making," and an article I wrote for 412teens called "Please Don't Judge (Yourself)." Both of those pieces focus on finding our identity—as an individual and as a Christian.
Our Different Personas
Let's say you're a student in middle or high school. At home, you're a "good" son or daughter—an obedient, honest, respectful, and quiet kid. At school, you're completely opposite—ignoring teachers, cussing, and skipping class. Then, when you're doing "Christian" things, such as youth group, church service, or with certain friends, you find that you're a completely different person. Is that relatable? Well, that was me.
Isn't it kind of funny that we have so many identities and personas, depending on who we're "performing" for? But then we come to find out, after we've been all those people for so long, that we've forgotten which is our "real" personality?
Actually, it's not that funny. Upon a discovery of multiple personalities, I would be scared. And I was.
My Unreal Self
“Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds.”
You see, I left my hometown school to go to a private high school 30 miles away from my home. Day one of my freshman year, I walked onto the campus and didn't know one person there. None of the students, none of the teachers—only the people who interviewed me during my registration.
I was quiet for a while and didn't talk to many people. I always walked alone, sat alone, and worked alone because I was so used to it back at my other school anyway. But then it happened.
Someone took a chance to talk to me, and I had to act. A new identity was created. A new person was made. And it wasn't that hard. All I had to do was let out a few little lies that seemed believable, and people bought them. They didn't know me. How could they know the difference?
Discovering a New Identity
“Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”
I didn't realize what was happening until about a year later, when I started attending a youth group at my church. Suddenly, I saw a little more clearly what a Christian life was supposed to look like. As more of my questions were answered, I began to understand Jesus better.
I felt like my whole life was beginning again! A few months later, I rededicated my life to Christ and discovered my identity in Him. An identity in Christ doesn't depend on what we look like or who we hang out with or what our past holds. For those who love Him, God has already defined us in His Son Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Sorting Out My True Self
“People with integrity walk safely, but those who follow crooked paths will be exposed.”
A few days later, I went back to school, now realizing what I had done in creating all these new identities. I didn't know how to fix it. I thought about telling everyone the truth, but I was worried that they would never speak to me again because I'd lied to them.
It was like all my made-up personalities were holding me at gunpoint, demanding I pick one. I had to choose a singular identity and stick with it or I would lose everything and everybody in my life. But which persona was the real one?
Ultimately, I couldn't live my life for others' approval. All that matters is what God thinks of me (Ephesians 1:11-14). I know He's working on me. I'm not perfect. But I think I'm a good person—who maybe tried to pretend things in the past but failed miserably. And I think I'm an interesting person—who likes fixing computers, laser tag, and reading and writing stories and poetry. I may have a past that I don't want to remember, but I believe God accepts me as I am (Romans 5:8).
Does any of this sound familiar?
This isn't really a public confession or anything. I know who I am now. I just hope there's someone out there who relates to the pain of holding onto multiple personas. If that's you, maybe you're thinking, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I have so many false identities, and I need to get out too."
If you relate to my story in any way, shape, or form, please try get out as soon as you can. If you find that hard to do, then ask God for His forgiveness. Ask Him to help guide you off the messy path of deceit you've made for yourself and toward His path. If you have faith and trust in Him, He'll get you through it all.