The topic of doubt is a very important, very valid one. It shows up regarding many topics found in the Christian faith. Every believer struggles with doubt in their journey of faith at some point, so please do not feel alone or ashamed. As mortals living in a fallen world it is, unfortunately, part of our experience to wrestle with questions. Thankfully, it is a journey—not a pass or fail experience where one slip up will cost you everything.
If you are worried about the state of your salvation in light of your doubt, I have a few thoughts for you. The Bible tells us that the Lord looks at our hearts and sees everything that is there, including our motivations and deepest desires. Your personal salvation is a matter between your heart and God's. He sees your hunger for Him and your desire to obey Him; I believe He honors that and will certainly not hide His face from you.
I think that it is a healthy thing if you are able to admit your struggle instead of being dishonest about it. I believe the Lord honors that honesty, especially if you are bringing these questions to Him. There is a quote from Lord Alfred Tennyson that has been an encouragement to me in times of doubt: "There lives more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds."
Although this battle is a difficult one, your hunger for God will lead you in the right direction. We are often faced with the choice between our questions or God himself. I encourage you to continue choosing the Lord and trusting that He will aid you in this journey. In Mark 9:23-24, Jesus says to a man who comes to Him for healing, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." The man responds by crying out, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" This man's outcry reflects what is often found in the hearts of believers, and this story is a reminder that the Lord reaches out to help those who struggle but still come to him for help.
If you take nothing else away from this letter to you, I would like you to remember that it is okay to struggle with questions and doubts. Don't let go of your hunger for the Lord or the trust in His Holy Spirit. As long as that piece of your heart does not give up, I believe God will steer you toward the right course.
Mercy is a recent college graduate who lives in Colorado and is preparing to move to Russia to begin teaching at an international Christian academy. She enjoys studying theology and spending time with friends.